Yuckity Yuck Yuck

SO, as a follow-up to the Man-- Here is a picture of the chick he's talking to... I blocked out her nasty boobs for you---Trust me-You're welcome...

Fucking Groooooss

The End of the Manipulator

On Thursday, the Man called me to say he had something to tell me about. My mind automatically jumped to the Craigslist shit. (Was he actually gonna fess up?)

No...No he wasn't.

He called to tell me that he wants to make it 'right', at which point the following conversation happened:

The Man: "I did something bad, and I want to make it right."

Me: "What did you do?"
The Man: "Since we've been on the rocks, I have been miserable. I want to be your everything. I know I've done and said some pretty fucked up things... but I can't change them. I love you Jen."

Me: "(at this point I STILL haven't heard what he did that was 'bad'.)"I'm confused... WHAT did you DO?"

The Man: "Well, I wanted to be a better man when you got back, so I got on an anti-depressant."

Me: "Was it self-diagnosed... OR did you do it RIGHT and go see a Doctor?"

The Man: "I was trying to do good Jen."

Me: "So that is a 'no'? WHAT did you do Man? I am confused."

The Man: "When you left I wanted to be better for you. Since we went to shit the night before you left, I was so unhappy. You made me feel like a worthless piece of shit, so on Tuesday I tried to commit suicide and I'm scared."

At this point, I could feel my bitch-meter rising. I was once with a guy in high school who thought if he hurt himself when we broke up that I would dive back into his arms. I, on the other hand, have NO patience for such bullshit. It is selfish and manipulative, so this is how the remainder of the conversation went. There is a thin line between love and hate. The suicidal bullshit coupled with Craigslist and the past month completely did me in. I was pretty much a bitch.

The Man: "Say something..."

Me: "I don't know what to say. I think you are being manipulative. I do not control your feelings... YOU do. I sort-of feel like if you REALLY wanted to kill yourself, you would have. You, instead chose not to. This is a good thing. The FUCKED up part of it is that you have the nerve to tell me it was MY fault? Fuck you...."

The Man: "It is typical of you to kick me while I'm down... I don't know what I was expecting. I thought you would understand. I want to be with you...who do you love?"

Me: "I am not kicking you while you are down, but I am not enabling you anymore either. If you want to stand up and make it for YOURSELF, then stand the fuck up. I do love you....I am NOT in love with you. I do not see a future with us. I cannot be on this roller coaster anymore. I am ready to do something for ME..(long pause)....I am moving back to Omaha, I got a job."

The Man: "I wish the best for you" (hang up)

I HATE getting hung up on... this time I didn't really care....

I Snogged Boy

I snogged a boy.

SO yesterday I went to my old friend Jen's house. Jen was my roommate YEARS ago. She dated and married the man she was with when I knew her. They have a little one of their own. The girls play GREAT together! Low and behold she magically invited her brother (who you should know is my ex-fiance from a DECADE ago).

Yes...I said EX-FIANCE! This guy was 'The One' that got away-seriously. Allot (obviously has changed in the past decade for us... BUT allot hasn't changed).

We hopped in the car to go grab booze and I grabbed his arm, like I always used to do---without even thinking about it. After I did, I snapped. I must've looked surprised when he grabbed my hand, kissed it and then put it in his pocket.

Later on in the evening, I had just put C (my little one) to bed. He and I were sitting on the couch, perfectly innocent. Have you ever gotten lost in stares and then you both feel retarded at the same moment. THAT shit was happening ALL night long. At which point the kiss happened. It was nothing huge or Hollywood. It was simple, sweet, and heartfelt. It was an "I've got you" kiss., an "It's alright" kiss, and an "I wanna see where this goes" kiss all in one. At this point, I'm not looking for answers.....

Smart Girl BUSTS Dumb Guy on Craiglist.... Me busts my Man...

So, I am a secret spy agent and I just found this JUST NOW:

My Man put an ad out on Craigslist that said:

"biker type str8 and feel'n horny - m4m - 36 (ne central)‏"

He got a response that said, "Nice cock...wanna play?"

and one that said, "
To: (MyMAN)
"Hey Hi, This is Allie not sure you remember me but if you are free sometime this week would love to meet up with you maybe start with a drink. If you're interested call me (then she gave her number which I am tempted to post...)

He responded with the following..."

"WOW...you are so hot...look i know i have wrote to you in the past and i never get a response but here i go again..lol i think you are so hot and i would love to hook up with you even if it's just once to mess around.please consider me..or at least just write me back and tell me no. i'm 37 male"

It gets better

I found this random reply

"Sent:
Sun 2/15/09 2:41 AM

ya paper air planes are cool...but if you light them on fire they are cooler..lol hi! i liked what you wrote..i'm 37 hispanic male..look i dont know if i'm what you are looking for but fuck it;.. here i am :) i like art and stuff but only cool stuff..and smart girls cuz i'm a dumb guy.. so if i sound interesting to you please write me back ..i live around central and alverado area kinda close to snob hill..thanks ..M "

My questions are as follows:

One:What the fuck? (Thanks for missing me while I am gone)

Two: Isn't m4m MALE FOR MALE? (This is news)

Three:WHAT THE FUCK????

Don't ask how I found out, just know that I am a SMART GIRL and he is a DUMB GUY (self-proclaimed) I am pretty sure you can still find jerk-offs ad. Can ya tell I'm agro right now?

Divorceee Coolness

SO, after the night of talking to the wounded divorcee (eS), in the noisy midst of the fam, my sister got a text from her future hubs that said, "eS thinks you sister is cool... did she say anything about him?"

One: WHat is this? high school?

Two: I AM cool, but if he wanted brownie points he would've said I was smart and HOT!

Tomorrow, I sleep in while the rest of my family goes to church... I LOVE sleep. I am pretty sure if I stepped foot in a church I'd be struck by lightning. I threw pork in a crock pot tonight so we could all get together and eat pulled pork sandwiches.

Then I get to see my Grandma B. My Grandma is the most amazing person I know... I can't wait!

Shiny Bald Head

Well, I've been in my hometown for a few days now and it has been pretty great! I think I have finally let me hair down a bit, after a crazy night (the night before) I left.

The Man was being super pissy. He was pissed that I was happy about my trip here. He felt like I just wanted to get away (from him). The truth is I thought this little break would be a GOOD thing, no lie. The thing I was NOT anticipating fighting about THAT TOO.

To be honest, I hit a wall...a BIG wall. I didn't feel bad for wanting a break. I didn't feel bad for wanting to NOT fight with someone CONSTANTLY. I didn't feel bad for wanting.. needing to see my family.

Maybe I am just tired...

My trip here so far has been back-to-back family. I met my sister's future hubs, who is a pretty amazing guy. He is super cute, super caring, and super PATIENT (with my sassy niece). The night I arrived Tiff introduced me to the future hubs' best friend, who is in the midst of a divorce. I think my sister was trying to play match-maker. This guy was freshly wounded and has a three-year-old. (For the record, I don't wanna fix anymore boys-- I'm too tired for that. AND I don't date boys with "baby's mama's"-just sayin') Anyhoozle; he had a lot of divorce questions for me... which was weird because I never imagined I would be the go-to girl for divorce advice....um, and he had a shiny bald head...equally weird...

Shiny Bald Head

On that note, I must tell you a disturbing statement my little one made on Thursday; I had her call her dad around 8:00pm to check on him and let him know she got in okay. He had an 8:30 outpatient surgery that morning. She told him she got in fine and asked how he was. Out of nowhere she asked, "Hey Dad, Are ya bald yet?"

I sort of gasped, and she looked at me weird. It was apparent, at that moment, that my child was completely clueless as to what exactly was and is going on with her dad.

On that note, I am completely unaware as well. I know he had a surgery. I know his parents flew in and his mom will be taking care of him. The thing I don't understand is WHY he won't tell me what's going on...I'm just scared. The only reason I followed him there after the divorce, was so that he could be close to Cierra and she to him. I feel like I deserve a bit more information... but maybe he feels differently....

Ex-Husband Life Drama

On Sunday, I received a text from my ex-husband telling me to, "call as soon as possible... it is important".
I called. He told me that he wanted me to be one of the first to know that he had just been diagnosed with lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph nodes. He wanted me to know, before he told our little one anything. They are in process of running more tests, but he begins treatments next week. Cancer has so many negative connotations attached to it.

I immediately told The Man, (himself a cancer survivor). He asked what I said to him. I told him exactly what I told the ex. (as follows)

Me: "Are you scared?"

Him"yeah",p>
Me:" You know you are going to be fine right? You just need to get your self as informed as you can and take some time to wrap your head around it."

Him: "I spose. I go to the DR. on Monday. I should know some more by the end of the week."

Me: "Is there anything you need me to do? You know you can call me right? If you need food, or you need me to take little one at weird times...Whatever, whenever..."

Him: "I know. Thank you."

After I told The Man what was said, he started acting weird. When I asked him what was wrong, all he said was, "When I found out I had cancer, no body gave a fuck....especially my ex-wife."

All I could tell The Man was that, I'm not a mean person. I worry for him. I worry for my little girl. The thought of her dealing with a very sick dad KILLS me. I am here to help, not hinder...

I have a lot of weirdness going on in my head right now. I'm not one to think of worst case scenarios, this time is NO different. My little one is okay. She did call me from the nurses office to pick her up today. She had a mystery illness, so I conned her into staying the rest of the day and gave her plenty of lovin when I picked her up from school.

As of now, she is excited to have breakfast with her daddy and Grandparents tomorrow morning, and is EVEN more excited about our upcoming trip to Nebraska!

Weirdness

The last few days have been just plain FULL of weirdness.
For starters, I talked to Margarett Anne a psychic on Friday morning. What made this weird, is I scheduled with her early in the week. I was to meet with her Friday morning at 9:30. I will get back to WHY this is significant very soon!

The night before my meeting with Margaret Anne, Manny and I were talking.

Thursday Night

He had since apologized for over-reacting about me not answering the phone. He said he had a lot going on in his head... and so on. He told me he was stressed out about us and just life in general. I asked him why he was all of a sudden so stressed about us. He told me that he called Margaret Anne, the psychic to talk to her. (I go see her every four to five months or so- SHE"S AMAZING, and not creepy like you would expect)
He told me that she guessed who he was and asked why he hadn't come to see her. He then told her he was scared. He went on to say that Margaret Anne told him that I (girl who's name starts with a 'J') have a secret and that he should ask me about it before my trip.

Some would say this is creepy, but a secret could be anything... THIS blog for instance. lol Here is the thing... I had a ping in my stomach that his story wasn't true, yet a ploy to get something out of me. He sort-of does this sort of thing a lot. PLUS, as I said before, I go to see Margaret every three to four months- she rarely answers the phone the first time and she NEVER talks to you on the phone.

Am I calling my dear Man a liar? No. BUT you can draw your own conclusions from what follows.

The Reading

My 'reading' had a few interesting points. they are as follows:

• The Friend Factor: The Man


• My Haunted Apartment


• My 'Big Fat Diamond'

The Friend Factor:

SO one of the first things she asked me is if Manny and I were still friends. I told her that he was my boyfriend, still. She was surprised. He makes you responsible for his feelings. He is quite troubled, it is something that years and years of counseling MAY help. You give to him... but he drains you. You can't let him do this to you anymore. You are not going to be with him for that much longer....But you need to stand up for yourself more. He liked stupid girls...that is why he gets frustrated with you. He is drawn to stupid girls because they make him feel smart and powerful. He was drawn to you because you are smart, but that is the Achilles heel in your relationship. He will find someone for himself; they will spend a lifetime making each other miserable. He will marry this person. Don't be afraid to sit him down and tell him it is over. You will know the time. Before she moved on to the next subject she said, "Tell him that I said hello, when you see him".

The Haunted Apartment

She asked how old my redhead was. I told her yes. She asked if she was having problems sleeping. I told her yes again. She asked if I knew that my apartment had a lot of 'activity' there. I said yes. There have been weird incidences. There was the time Manny heard footsteps and kids playing through the baby monitor, and there are always random streaks and creaks at night. (This is why he has NEVER slept over here) I believe in that stuff, but don't feel scared or threatened. My little one always wakes up and usually ends up in my bed. I let her, it doesn't bother me. Anyway, she said that because I acknowledge the 'spirits' that they feel welcomed in my apartment. Nice huh? She says none of them mean any harm and are merely curious. She sort-of smiled and said they like my music. I always play music, lots of random singer/songwriter stuff at night. She asked specifically about my little ones room. She asked if she goes in the attic with the slanted ceiling alot. I sort of laughed. No, no attic. My loft doesn't have an attic, though the kiddo's room DOES have a slanted ceiling that resembles an attic type room.

The Big Fat Diamond

She sort of looked at my left hand, so much so, that it made ME look to. lol "I see a massive diamond on your finger", she said. I laughed at her- and told her that I am SOOO NOT a diamond-type of girl. She smiled, yes but you will marry again. He is going to be drawn to your tattoo initially. He is a tall distinguished gentleman. He has dark hair, and nice hands. I found this hilarious, I'm not sure why. She started laughing with me when I told her that I was gonna make a shirt that said, "Official Hand-Inspector". I'm not sure why I found this part so entertaining. maybe it is because I sort-of picture myself alone. Not scary, old-lady with cats alone, just sex-in-the city alone. She has never really spent much time on my future relationships- I've always been fine with that. It was weird.

Boys Are Dumb...

Last night, after tucking my little one in to bed. I decided to fore go my homework and instead take a long hot bath. I usually take a bath in the morning when I wake up, but last night I felt just plain nasti-fied.

My Man usually gets to his apartment a little after nine. When he got home he was blowing up my phone. I, of course, was tuned out completely enjoying my bath!

Once I got out and dried my hair, I heard my phone (downstairs) ringing like crazy. When I answered it- it was The Man, all ago... again.

Me: "I was taking a bath, what's up"

Man: "Did you see my messages? What were you doing?"

Me: 'Ummm, taking a bath, I just said that!"

Man "You never take a bath at night... is there someone else?"

Me: "Are you kidding me?"

Man: "No, Jen. I hate it when you don't answer your phone, you know that. It makes me think you are hiding something from me. You make me feel like you don't care"

Me: "Ummm, Do you hear yourself? I was in the bath. I am talking to you with a towel on my head... I'm STILL not even dressed. I didn't take my phone into the bathroom with me. This is ridiculous, I have to go, I am Fa-Reezing!"

Man: "Whatever, Jen."

_____________________________________________

I sent him a text after he hung up on me that said, "You're my lil drama Queen- I love you."

Him: "Ya whatevr"

Me: "You are being such a jerk"

Him: "Like I said, whatever"

I didn't respond after that. At about 1 in the morning, I got this text from him:

Him: "Let's See...i fuck up. I'm the worlds biggest asshole. I need to know that my so-called g/f loves me and that I mean something to her and all I get is nothing..... I talk from my heart and i get nothing...Am i not allowed to hear loving words from my g/f that would make me feel at peace? so yeah, I'm bein a jerk... you sit over there doing your shit while I sit over here feeling like shit. So what are you gonna do-break up with me. U have twice in the past month-- BUT IM THE JERK. Right now I think you are the coldest person I have ever known"

YES THAT ALL WAS IN A TEXT

I didn't respond, because I was seriously up in arms- clearly. It IS true I've broken up with him twice. The first was because there was a CHICK in his pad and he didn't answer my ONE text (I'm so restrained). Talk about hiding shit.... hummp
The second was the flowers out the window incident...

Boys are Dumb.

I Never Claimed to be the Queen of Tact...

"You're my chance at something better, I'm not going to let go of you- I will hold on for all I'm worth. I know I was an ass. I was wrong, I am sorry."

This would be the words that came out of The Man's mouth on Sunday morning, after a night of being a COMPLETE and utter dick weed.

I broke up with him over it.

For the record, I do not believe that using a relationship as leverage in an argument is ever okay. I don't agree with people who use break-ups or a divorce for leverage. When I broke up with him, I was fully prepared to NOT be with him. The sad part? I wasn't even heart-broken.

We've been up and down for the last four months. That being said;

This is what happened Saturday night:

It was a long day at work. He was at a retirement party. I was to meet him there after work around 9pm. (actually I was his safe, drunken ride home). I had been pretty sick over the past couple of weeks, so for the first time since then- I got all sexy. I wore my stilettos, a long-line tight top, contacts, make-up and straight shiny hair. I was armed and dangerous.

What do you know? When I got there he ignored me all fucking night.

I have no problem makin friends or talking to perfect strangers. THAT is exactly what I did. Finally some friends showed up that I knew. They only stayed for a bit before heading to a bar for drinks downtown. By that time it was already 11pm, and I was ready to go. The Man was clearly drunk on the other side of the room, and the canned beer provided was taking it's toll of my stomach. I went up to him, kissed his cheek and asked him if we could go for drinks a M Bar before last call. It took him a good thirty minutes to make his way out, he's a social butterfly- VERY much so!

The whole drive to the bar, he said nothing to me. I asked him randomness about his day and the people at the party. He only could give me yes or no answered. It sucked. Since I am a woman, I was racking my brains (yes I have two). I was going through the previous two days to see if there is anything I MAY have done to piss him off. I came up with nothing. hmmm

Once we arrived at the bar, we met up with our friends who had already scored a patio table right next to the fireplace. He proceeded to talk to Jay (about work) all night long, with a brief pause to kick some deuchebags ass in the bathroom. Don't ask- he's scrappy- I got nothin. This bar- is 'our bar', they don't kick us out, ever... only other people.

It was almost last call. The lady that sells roses (every downtown has one) walked up to our table. My Man rudely ignored her, as always. Right as she began to walk away, Jay pulled out his wallet to buy his chick some flowers- it was really sweet. The only thing was, Jay bought TWO bouquets of roses. Right in front of me, he gave one bouquet to My Man and said, "Give them to her".

My Man, awkwardly handed the bouquet to me. I was confused.

This all took place right in front of me, so I said, "Thanks? Jay?"

This utterly pissed The Man off.

Fucking Great.

He promptly went to 'go smoke' on the other patio. For the record, we were already on the patio. He could've smoked right there. He instead went out of his way to show everyone he was pissed at me.

Nice.

I hate that shit.

By the time he got back from smoking, on the other patio, it was last call. We tabbed out and left. Once we got in the car, I turned the car on, popped the car in neutral and pulled the e-brake up. I was not driving off until I knew what I did wrong.

Me: "Before I drive anywhere, I need to know what is going on? Why are you so fucking angry? What did I do to you NOW?" (I never claimed to be the Queen of Tact)

The Man: " You just don't get it. I would by you flowers EVERY day if I could afford it..... You are the most un-grateful, and cold person I know."(attempting to play the wounded puppy- which IS NOT attractive)

Me: "But you didn't even BUY the flowers- are you serious?"

The Man: "Forget it. Jay was doing something nice for me. I am going to pay him back. All you could do is thank him? You are such a bitch. "

Me: "Oh, okay. Um... I was one foot away from BOTH of you. You had no idea Jay was going to do that. It was sweet, I wanted to make sure I thanked him--- which was weird. (Jay is a fucking Jew with his money... unless he's drinking, which was clearly the case)

The Man: "Like I said forget it. You missed the point."

Me: "I am sitting here, in this car, until you explain it to me. I can't believe we are fighting over THIS. If I fucked up, I'd like to make it right." ( This was my attempt at burrying the hatchet)

(There was a loooong pause)

The Man: "You couldn't even say thank-you Jen. I am broke right now, I can't buy you flowers like I'd like to all the time. You always kick me when I'm down."

Me: "But I DID say thank-you. I'm sorry I didn't say thank-you... TO YOU. I saw Jay buy the flowers. I was confused. YOU KNOW I don't want or NEED flowers from you. I want all the FREE shit you can give me. Today, until you handed me the damn flowers, you hadn't even LOOKED at me, let alone said anything all night. All I've EVER want from you, is friendship and affection. Lately, you couldn't be bothered......this is bullshit."

At this point I began driving. This clearly wasn't going anywhere.

The Man: "You don't want flowers?" (he held the flowers up)

Me: "No, I want YOU"

The Man: "Fine." (HE rolled down my window and THREW them out the window.)

Me: "WHAT THE FUCK?" ( I slammed on my breaks, threw the car in reverse, e-braked again, got out and picked up every last one of my flowers. There were two cars behind me. I think they were entertained, nobody honked. I threw them in the car.)

Me: "I'm done. I'm done with fighting with you. I'm done with us.... I AM done. Don't come knocking on my door tomorrow to apologize for being a dick. Don't tell me you were drunk. I am pretty sure you know damn well what you are doing. If you want to be miserable, be miserable ON YOUR OWN and stop blaming me for MAKING you fucking miserable. If I wanted to MAKE you MISERABLE- TRUST ME YOU'D KNOW......"

Like I said.. I'm not the Queen of tact- don't corner me, cause I bite!

There was complete silence THE WHOLE drive home, which was perfectly fine with me. He walked into his apartment without a word, and I did the same. The only sound was my stilettos clicking defiantly down the walkway.... (we are neighbors, this complicates things mostly).