Drama-Free-a-tron

I thought I would update my blog, since I haven't in AGES!

You will all be so happy to know that I have been drama-free for nearly a whole entire month now! I DO need to post the four (in-a-row) phone messages psycho left on my phone the night all the drama went down. I will figure it out sometime this week how to web cam them-TRUST me....YOU WILL be ENTERTAINED!

I met with ex-husband last week to chat about the move, and schedules and SCHTUFF...it went surprisingly WELL! I geared myself up for the worse, my stomach was in knots, seriously! BUT it was smooth as butter on a hot Texas day. My life is beginning to exhale...whatever shall I blog about?

lol

Sex Texting

So all last night I was up because I had this dream where My ex-Man posted inappropriate pictures of me on the web. I wish I could say he didn't have any, but when I got fake tits...all bets were off! THIS is what I did about it:

Short for, Holy Shit! I am a Smart, smart girl, that unfortunately thinks ahead!

Sometime ago, I installed his PC under my virus protection. I made mine the hub PC by networking them together through a wireless hub, because, well I was paying for it... so why wouldn't I? During this time I linked the folder of all pictures of me... I DO mean all. When I deleted his PC from my network...TODAY- I additionally TOOK all my pictures back, deleting every blessed trace of ME off of HIS PC.

This is pretty much why I failed my last course, (besides the fact that my Professor is an anal bitch that cannot give instruction worth shit.)I am sure of it. The whole time I did this I read and read and read. If I had to re-do it... I honestly couldn't tell you WHAT the fuck I did, all I know is... I pulled it off because psycho appeared tonight...and he was PISSED!

I was texting my current crush, snog-boy, ex-fiance man...okay 'sex texting', IF you must know. It's totally hot and we haven't hooked up in a decade. (I'm frustrated-clearly)

While this is going on....WHY DO I hear someone knocking on my upstairs door???

It was 11pm, my little one was asleep... I knew I locked the door, so I wasn't THAT worried. I immediately texted my neighbor Ash, just in case.

All of a sudden I hear his voice...IN my pad. I ran up there and he's looking around all freaked out (my upstairs is destroyed, since I have a Goodwill pile right in front of the upstairs door).

I apparently had locked the door, but didn't pull it shut all the way---scary.)

Me: " What THE FUCK are you doing? Get out...or I'm calling the cops."

Him: "You came in my pad, so why should this be any different?"

Me: "Okay, she's asleep (pointing at my little one), get the fuck out."

Him: He made an 'Oh shit' face..YOU came in my pad and erased all your pictures."

Me: "How the fuck did I get in your pad?"

Him: "(blank look...he locks his shit every day)

Me: "I didn't step foot in your apartment."

Him:"How could you do this? You were my best friend...how could you?"

As he stepped out, the smell hit me. If any of you have ever been around an alcoholic... it has a definite smell. It is a peppery, pudgent smell with a lingering beer smell. I wanted to puke. I shut the door behind him and MADE SURE it was locked and latched GOOD.

The whole time this takes place, Crush is textin me- which in and of itself is pretty friggin entertaining.

I settled myself on my couch and began texting back, and the Man starts blowing up my phone. I was stressing out trying to make sure that I didn't send a 'Fuck you" text to the person I was trying to send a 'Fuck Me" text to....it was an interesting conquest.....

Packing My Arse Offffff.....

I usually HATE HATE HATE packing.

This time is different though. I am still excited! I have pretty much talked to my ex-fiance-snog-boy every day now... le sigh. I WILL miss my friends though. You guys rock my FACE off!

The Car That Gets Blow Jobs...

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You don't get a second chance....

"You don't get a second chance at a first impression..." -compliments of My Dearest friend Wendy Wendz.

So today I went to the mall to see my friend Brit at Sephora. I was early... she wasn't in yet. I haven't figured out how to use the speakerphone function on my phone yet (and already packed the book). To remedy this problem, I walked up to the Verizon Wireless kiosk and asked.

The following conversation happened:

Cute YOUNG guy: (eyebrow raised, dumb expression on his face, as if he was preparing to persuade me to switch plans...)

Me: "Already sold man. Can you tell me how to work the speakerphone function? I'm a touch screen virgin and don't know how it works."

(Though I know this probably wasn't the BEST choice in words.......I obviously am past the point of caring-clearly)

Cute YOUNG boy: "Well, let me see here..." (He took my phone, grabbing my hand in the process, at which point he called his phone to 'establish a connection')

Me: "I am moving. I packed the book."

Cute YOUNG guy: "Well, it seems all you need to do is open it when the phone call is connected.... THEN it will automatically go to speakerphone. Your touch-screen gets to remain a virgin..."

Me: "Well, Thank you. You now ENABLE me to drive while talking on the phone."(laughing because I appreciate the reference back to my own 'touch-screen virgin' humor)

Cute YOUNG guy:"So, I have your number now... you know that right? Where is the '402' area code from?" (cleverly showing me my number on his phone, since he called it to answer my question..)

Me: "Omaha, I am moving there"

Cute YOUNG guy: "What do you do?"

Me: "I'm unemployed at the moment... that is kinda why I'm moving..."

Cute YOUNG guy: "Can I ask you a question? (i nodded yes) How many boyfriends DO you have"

Me:(I couldn't stop giggling at this question) "Ummm zero, nada, nega-teev"

Cute YOUNG guy: "Well are you a lesb...?"(I cut him off in the middle of his question)

Me:"No! I'm not a lesbian...(laughing at the sincerity of his question---is this guy for real?)

Cute YOUNG guy: "Oh... well, I don't believe you then...you are very attractive"

Me: (still laughing.. shaking my head slightly)

Cute YOUNG guy: "Are you a... uhhhh. dancer?"

Me: "Are you fucking kidding me? .... No.... I am most definitely not a 'dancer'!" (still laughing at the sincerity of his question... this guys was SERIOUS... and I SERIOUSLY could not believe it!)

At that point, some people walked up to the kiosk (thank GAWD). I took my out... happily...

Me: "Thanks for your... uhhh.. help!"

Cute YOUNG guy:"Wait! I've got questions..."

Me:"I have to go... I'll see you.."

Cute YOUNG guy: "I'm going text you...."

I walked away. What on God's green earth JUST happened? When is it acceptable to assume that because I do not have a boyfriend that I am a lesbian or a stripper...ehh umm... 'dancer'. If that conversation wasn't weird enough... it got better later on in the day when he text me the following question: "So why EXACTLY don't you have a boyfriend... it intrigues me.."

My answer was this: "Loaded answer for your loaded question: I am almost 30. I have an 8 yr old. I am 3 classes from a master's degree. I have fake tits & a sleeve.....I'm not approachable.. I guess...weird."

His response was this,"I think you are cool, can I take you out?"

I deleted his response....no. no... and double-NO!

"You don't get a second chance at a first impression." IF I did go out with this guy, I would more than likely bust his balls all night because of the stripper lesbian question... PLUS, I kinda have an issue with the, "You're cool" comments... I'm so over that. What happened to normal compliments you give women you are interested in.

Your friends are 'cool"... I'm not trying to be your 'friend' dude.... ya know?

So... yeah that is what happened today. ha ha